When Good Mama Takes a Vacation

Today is my third day home with a sick Cavanaugh and has been a real exercise in the power of perspective.

Day One: maybe the delirium was contagious. At lunch I sang: “Granny Smith apples are crunchy and green. / I like my apples with cheddar cheese. /Granny Smith apples, oh Granny Smith apples,  Granny Smith apples and cheeeeeese” and as motivation for Cavanaugh to clean up: “What color cars are in the baaasket?  A blue car is in the basket and it is made of plastic. / What color car is next?” Besides much laughter, we were productive as all get-out. We touched up paint in four rooms with three different colors, did all the laundry in the house, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, assembled puzzles, and had a really good time, even when Cavanaugh refused to take a nap.

Day Two: Cavanaugh’s head was so congested at breakfast, he lay it down on my arm between drinks of smoothie. It was early in the day and I still had the energy to provide the extra attention and help he needed because he wasn’t feeling well. But then he didn’t take a nap. He nursed but wouldn’t go to sleep, kept flipping over and saying, “Woke up.” He was smiling and just wanted to play with me but I needed a break. A no-attending-to-anyone-else’s-needs break. A be-quiet-and-do-productive-grown-up-activities break.

My inner Good Patient Mama told me maybe he just wasn’t going to take a nap, that I couldn’t make him sleep, and that there were plenty of quiet activities we could do together if he didn’t nap.  My Tired Angry Mama thought: No son, you can’t wake up until you go to sleep. You didn’t “woke up” because you didn’t take a nap.

Impatient Mama told me I couldn’t reward his not sleeping or there would be no motivation for him to take naps if he doesn’t want to, that he has no concept of how it screws up our afternoon when he’s deliriously tired and extra sensitive and has no energy to play with anything so he just throws toys and markers on the ground. Then I started thinking that his going to bed early would mean waking early the next day and we’d have days in a row of disrupted routines and sleep because he didn’t nap yesterday or today and I’d never get a break so I better get him to nap right now or teach him that no nap means no fun. I told Cavanaugh that if he didn’t want to sleep, he had to lie on the bed and rest, that he was too little to decide he’s not taking naps anymore and his body needed rest to get well. It was a reasonable thing to say and I managed to say it calmly.

Then every time he wanted to crawl off the bed or hide in the pillows or run across the room to go downstairs and play, the Wit’s End Mama got madder and madder. I put him back on the bed. He didn’t like it. I set us up for a power struggle where one of us would win, but the truth was he wasn’t doing anything so different from the day before and I was setting us both up to lose. He didn’t want to sleep. His nose was stuffy. It probably felt worse when he lay down. He was loving just being home with me and and puttering around the house. He didn’t want to stop. But I did and so my response was exactly the opposite of the previous day’s singing and laughing. No wonder he felt confused.

I felt conflicted. The whole time I was putting him back on the bed and telling him he had to rest, I had these two mamas talking to me, the one with boundless patience who knows what she should be doing and the one who needs some space and time in the middle of every day to just be with herself or she doesn’t have the reserves to keep going on as before. I was acting in a way that I hated but just felt so out of energy, fun, and patience. I needed a time out but couldn’t figure out how to take one.

What I did realize was that I set the tone, that Cavanaugh’s behavior and actions were almost exactly the same both days, but that at the end of Day One, we’d both had a blast and at the end of yesterday, we were telling my husband about how Cavanaugh wouldn’t sleep and Mama was mad. What do you do when your Good Mama takes a vacation and the Tired Mama takes over?

25 Fun Things to Do in Austin with Kids

We went to the park this morning and it was 103. When I asked Cavanaugh if he wanted to slide, he was lying on the shaded platform with his sweaty head on his hands. “Too hot.” Out of the mouths of babes. I don’t think we’ll be hitting any more parks this summer unless there’s water involved. So here’s a list of summer activities to do with kids in Austin, TX–for those of us who can’t stand the heat and those who don’t mind a little sunstroke now and again.

Water

• Austin Pools
• Best Swimming Holes in Texas
• Butler Fountain Park
• Deep Eddy Splash Movies
• Lonestar Riverboat Cruises
• Schlitterbahn
• Swimming Lessons
• Volente Beach Waterpark

Inside

• Austin Children’s Museum
• Austin Libraries
• Barnes and Noble Storytime and Train Table
• Bookpeople Storytime
• Goin’ Bananas

Outside (You people may be able to handle the heat, but I am unlikely to join you there)

• Austin Nature and Science Center
• Austin Summer Musical
• Austin Parks and Recreation Youth Programs
• Children’s Day Art Park
• Kiddie Acres (specials on Wednesdays)
• Longhorn Caverns
• Peach Picking
• Playland Skate
• Round Rock Express Games
• Summer Music in Austin
• Wild Basin Preserve
• Zilker Botanical Gardens

If you’ve got any more fun stuff to add, please do. I’d especially love indoor/air conditioned activities that don’t cost much cash.

Mom Told Not to Breastfeed at McKenna Children’s Museum

Check out my friend Jennifer’s blog post about her friend who was just told not to nurse her daughter in the public area at McKenna Children’s Museum in New Braunfels. Anyone up for a nurse in?

Vaccines and Autism

My Dr. Sears newsletter this month included a post from Dr. Bob Sears about the government and CDC’s recent agreement to research vaccine safety. It seems we should not take that as a guarantee. Read Dr. Bob’s post here. His entire category of posts on vaccine safety is worth a read. If you’re still not sure whether or when to vaccinate your kids, check this out.

I particularly like The Vaccine Book: Making the Right Decision for Your Child because it is not pro- or anti-vax. It explores the risks of the vaccines vs. the risks of the diseases and lets parents make their own decisions. I wrote about what we decided to do with our son’s 15 month shots here.

So far, we haven’t given him any shots since then. We’re planning on putting him in preschool for a couple days a week so have been revisiting the question of vaccines. I’m still thinking we’ll wait until Cavanaugh’s at least three. I’d love to hear how and what you’re deciding what to do with your own kids.

Read This: Tad Hills

Duck and Goose by Tad Hills

Duck and Goose are great role models for kids. We don’t always get along with our friends and sometimes we want what they have. As Duck and Goose compete for control of what they think is an egg, they realize how much they have in common and find a way of coming together to reach a shared goal. Before they come together though, they almost come apart:

Duck’s thoughts: “this egg is private property. Duck’s egg. No Geese allowed. No honking. 5 $ fine”.

Goose’s thoughts: “If you are a Duck keep walking. No Ducks Beyond this Point. Quiet please. Absolutely No Quacking in this area.”

Tad Hills imbues the characters with a wait, sarcasm, and depth that isn’t nearly as common in childrens’ books as it should be.

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Duck, Duck, Goose by Tad Hills

I remember the days when a perfectly good childhood friendship was altered by the appearance of a third person. Come to think of it, that happens in adulthood too. Watch Duck and Goose negotiate the addition of Thistle, a new duck in the neighborhood, to their twosome. Goose has to figure out if he wants to play Thistle’s way or remain true to himself. Will he lose his old friend to this new arrival? Written for young children, this book contains some universal life lessons in an easily understandable story that all of us can relate to.
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What’s Up, Duck? by Tad Hills

What’s Up, Duck? illustrates the concept of near and far, slow and fast, and all the standard opposites with evocative illustrations of cartoon ducks, goose, and a bluebird. We owned and enjoyed this book before we found Duck and Goose or Duck, Duck, Goose?. Now that we’ve read those and gotten to know the characters, this book of opposites is even more fun.
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Duck & Goose, 1, 2, 3 by Tad Hills

In Duck & Goose, 1, 2, 3, rather than just counting objects, we watch our buddies from the Duck and Goose series climb each other, get covered in berry juice, abscond with flowers, and stare at us from the dark. Finally, a counting book that does more than add multiple objects to a page.
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Duck & Goose, How Are You Feeling? by Tad Hills

Duck and Goose are back to show us how they’re feeling. While this is not one of my favorite books in the series, Tad Hills’ addition to the emotions books for kids includes some more involved interpretation of emotion than just the standard happy and sad. At our house, we especially like the pages for scared and selfish.
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View all my reviews.

Son as Kitty Cat

Cat in a Tree

I’ve been calling Cavanaugh “my sweet buppy.” I don’t know where the saying came from but I feel like I’ve heard it before. He was hearing buppy as puppy. He’s not crazy about dogs. We don’t have one and they scare him. He much prefers cats. He carries around a little white stuffed cat that he’s named “Courage.” Our cat was named Courage and so that’s the name all cats have. All cats were “Courage”  until Cavanaugh decided he should also be a cat. “No want to be a buppy anymore. Want to be a kitty cat.”

His feline persona needed a name and since Cavanaugh recently learned his full name: Cavanaugh True Henry, he has appended Cat to the end. When he’s playing peekaboo, I’ll ask,  “Where did Cavanaugh True Henry go?” and from under the pile of pillows where he’s hiding, he’ll correct me. “Where did Cavanaugh True Henry Cat go? Where is him?”

When I “find” him and say, “There’s Cavanaugh True Henry Cat. What are you doing kitty cat?” he answers, “Kitty cat says meow meow purr. I’m curled up” even when he’s stretched out. I like it when he’s a cat. He lets me pet his hair and he likes to cuddle in my lap. I’ll take it where I can get it, since other days, he says, “No kisses mama” and wipes them right off.

Five Things I Learned Traveling with a Toddler

1. Plane trips: Take snacks.
2. Pack what your toddler needs to sleep (in our case a soft throw pillow and small white stuffed kitty).
3. Two-year-olds share their emotions with no concept for social niceties.
4. If someone tells you to pack warm clothes, think of pajamas.
5. If your kid is afraid of dogs in your hometown, he’ll be equally scared on vacation.

Highlights of the trip:

1. Cavanaugh holding his stuffed kitty up to the plane window to show it the view.
2. Watching Cavanaugh and Gilly together. They took turns, shared, and actually played together instead of just engaging in parallel play. She brushed his hair, fed him, and picked him up when he pretend “crashed” on her scooter.
3. Walking trails around Chicago Botanical Gardens while Gilly and Cavanaugh napped in strollers. Good weather with great company.
4. Leaving Texas summer to be in 70 degree temperatures with cool breezes. We even had to wear sweatshirts. Coming back to 101 in Austin made me want to get back on the plane.
5. Cavanaugh, Paul, and Gilly singing songs in the living room. Cavanaugh having so much fun that he told me to go away.
6. Kristin’s delicious cooking. Sorrel pesto. Homemade hummus, taboule, falafel, and pita. Enough said.

Lowlights of our trip:

1. Flight to Chicago Midway on Southwest Airbus: 25 minute stops in Dallas and Little Rock to change passengers. Cavanaugh wants to know where those people are going and why we can’t get off.
2. After Little Rock layover, when Cavanaugh’s saying, “No airplane. Go home,” I turn on borrowed DVD player. Batteries die after ten minutes.
3. “Me no want to be here. Want to go home.”
4. “Want normal food.”
5. “We no like dogs. We like cats.” Our hosts had three dogs that they diligently tried to keep away from Cavanaugh as he would cry in fear at their approach. I thought maybe exposure would help so tried asking, “Are they barking? Are they running?” and then having us both pet them as I explained the dogs were soft just like cats. Mostly, it didn’t help.

Ridiculous Trip Preparations

I used to be a good traveler. I could pack for anywhere from a weekend to a summer and fit it all in one bag. That was back when I traveled more often, starting when my parents got divorced and I went to visit my dad every other weekend and continuing somewhat beyond the summer I backpacked in Europe. That trip actually kind of screwed up my having anything but a bag, actually. I got back and kept wearing the same pair of pants, skirt, two pairs of shorts, t-shirts, and button down I’d worn for the last two and a half months. Anytime I looked in my closet, I got totally overwhelmed by the choices and just picked what I was used to. All of that, however, was in my former days, my travelin’ days.

Now, I go on a trip or two a year, usually to visit my family in NM. And, I’m packing for myself and my kid. Besides having rusty skills, it’s just that much harder for me to choose what he’ll need. I mean, he’s going to go through two+ outfits a day with spills alone. And it’s one thing for me to decide that if I don’t pack right for the weather, I’ll just suck it up and be cold, but totally another for me to see his little teeth chattering and lips turning blue (not so far from my mis-packing, but from our forays to the pool).

Beyond figuring out what to wear, I’m trying to figure out how to keep him entertained. He used to breastfeed and sleep on the plane. Now, I can’t get him to sit in a chair at a restaurant for longer than ten minutes. Tomorrow, we have a four-hour flight to Chicago that includes two stops, both for 25 minutes each–just long enough to let passengers off and new ones back on so Cavanaugh can watch but not exit. So, a friend offered to lend me her portable DVD player today. I always thought I wouldn’t use one of those. I mean, come on, what happened to talking to your kid, playing I Spy, and generally being engaged? I know now that no matter how entertaining I am, we are leaving the house before we usually eat breakfast, are going to be on a plane through naptime (oh, please sleep), and we are leaving his daddy here. I borrowed the DVD player. I went to another friend’s house to borrow videos. We went to the second-hand children’s store to buby a couple of little trucks that will be novel and hopefully entertaining without being disruptive. I have imported 17 CDs of kid’s music and am currently syncing my iPod. I have tested markers to make sure the ones I’ve packed for the plane ride aren’t dead because I don’t want to deal with trying to discard them. And that’s all just for Cavanaugh.

Somehow traveling kicks in an urgent desire to get projects done that I haven’t touched for months. This weekend, I went through Cavanaugh’s old clothes and separated them into six piles for friends who have babies now and who I’ve been meaning to send stuff to, cleaned the upstairs bathrooms, and did all the laundry in the house. I haven’t worn a skirt since Cavanaugh was born, so I went shopping at three Targets to get the right color skirt in the right size, have been to the mall twice to buy and exchange. I have talked to all the people who might be involved in the other two trips we might go on this year and have been trying to decide on dates, becaue I’m traveling now so I should book everything before ease back into stay-at-home/no-trip inertia. Tonight, I have cut and dyed my hair including shaving the back of my neck in the mirror because my husband’s working and isn’t around to help. For the whopping six days that we’ll be gone, I have packed a quilt I need to piece since my friend Kristin offered her sewing assistance and machine. I have three skeins of yarn to crochet hats. I am leaving my laptop, only because I have been assured I can get online at her house and I have sent myself five documents so that I can submit poems and finish editing the content for my website.

It’s 1:13 in the morning and I’m still up because I don’t want to leave my computer before my iPod’s successfully synced. I have lists of things to gather in the morning and will pack some food up tonight for plane rations. It’s as if we were traveling into the desert for an indeterminate period and have to prepare for all seasons and moods. As if there is no store where we’re going in case I’ve forgotten something we can’t live without for six whole days. Not to mention that my friend could lend me things, her kid has toys and clothes and they have toothpaste at their place. Nevertheless, I squeezed Cavanaugh’s strawberry Tom’s of Maine into a small container today because the metal on the tube was threatening to break and we wouldn’t want a mess on our hands, would we?

Please share some of your ridiculous (and possibly off-task) trip preparations so I won’t feel so silly. Bon voyage.

How to Say “No” to Your Kid and Let Him Say “No” to You

I just read a great article from Dr. Sears on “18 Ways to Say ‘No’ Positively.”

The two I relate to the most are #3: create alternatives to “no” and #11 “no” is a child’s word too.

#3– Cavanaugh’s a real risk taker and likes to climb and jump. Along with “hot” when he’s nearing the stove and “danger” as he approaches the street, we instituted “gravity” for all those times when awareness of Newton’s bump from the apple would keep our boy safe.

#11-Cavanaugh turned 2 1/2 recently and has been very creative with his use of the word “no.” I realize he’s interested in establishing some control over his world, so when I’m not exasperated or exhausted by being told what not to do all day, I am proud and/or amused. Here are some of his greatest hits:

1. “No say no.” He especially likes to use this one when he’s going to ask for something he knows he’s not likely to get, like a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast. We use Dr. Sears’ suggestion #9, a positive sub: “You can have a bagel or an egg for breakfast.”
2. “No like this one.” Man, does this apply to a lot of things. We frequently just ask, “Which one do you like?” Often, it’s the one we just offered.
3. “No go this way.” Talk about a backseat driver. It cracks me up to look in the rearview mirror as I’m driving and have my little one navigating us out of the neighborhood. He doesn’t react if I go another direction. It’s just one more way for him to say he wants to have a voice in where we’re going and what we’re doing.
4. “No be here. Go away.” Mike gets this one a lot right as he returns from work. It really hurt Mike’s feelings at first. We quickly realized it was an extension of a toddler’s need for transition. Even though Cavanaugh refers to his daddy coming home throughout the day and is excited about what they will do together, he needs a few minutes to transition from Mama Time to Daddy Time.
5. “No want pajamas” as he throws them off the bed, along with his nighttime diaper. We started letting him pick out his outfit for the next day and dressing him in that instead of pajamas. The next morning, all he needs is a new diaper and he’s good to go.

He’s been a great communicator since he was born and isn’t shy about saying what he wants.

We’re trying not to be shy about saying what we want either. It’s hard to feel in conflict with our boy and exhausting to practice boundaries all the time. It feels like the most terrible part of two’s to me. I heard an analogy years ago that absolutely sums up my beliefs about “no”: “No” is like a wall. If you know where the boundary is, you can lean on it, derive support from it, and relax within the limits. If you don’t know where the boundary is, that doesn’t mean it’s non-existent. It just means that you can run into it and get hurt.

Need Family Time Management Tips

Things aren’t working so well around here and it’s not because we have a toddler. In every apartment or house where Mike and I have lived together (we just celebrated our 15th anniversary, so there have been many), we’ve tried to make a schedule. We write a list of chores and errands and divvy them up. We try to figure out how often they need to be done, when the logical time to do them falls within the day, week, month, or year, and we write them down. We have purchased dry erase boards, bulletin boards, and special calendars on which to record our great plans. We have gone to time management workshops, bought expensive planners, and we have made sincere efforts with our color-coded good intentions.

We’re just not schedule people and so far that’s worked to the extent that we mostly shower, eat, sleep, and get where we’re supposed to be sometime near the time we were supposed to be there. But we’re finding that if we don’t create some sort of predictable structure for our sweet little boy, he’s not so sweet–because he’s hungry or sleepy or we’ve had too many outings and he needs some down time, or we’ve stayed home too many days in a row and he needs some stimulation. I’m tired of feeling like every day I’m starting with a blank slate and trying to figure out what to do and how to do it. I don’t want to have our only predictable activities be based on what someone else has scheduled: a playgroup at the park, our music class, or the days someone else is available for a playdate. I want a schedule to follow, a schedule I made myself.

All I’ve figured out so far is that Mondays we’re staying home. Mike being at home on weekends means Cavanaugh gets lots of Daddy-time in a row, not just what can be fit in between the end of a workday and bedtime–which is filled with dinner, not enough play, maybe a bath, reading, and at least an hour to wind down before sleeping. They’ve got a lot of catching up to do on Saturdays and Sundays. And I need to rest, have time to myself, get to the gym, feel productive. So on Mondays, Cavanaugh is sad that Mike is at work and he wants lots of attention from me, the house is a mess from our busy weekend, and I’m tired simply because I’m starting another week with a toddler and we don’t have a schedule–no school to attend, no babysitters, just me and him making up every day as we go along. It’s a losing way to start a week. I want to try something new.

Today is Monday and what I want to make up for Mondays is that Cavanaugh and I get time to reconnect. We get time in our house. We hang out and clean up. We don’t have to get dressed or get out of the house or see anybody else. We start off slow and easy. That’s it, all that I’ve figured out so far.

So, I’m open to suggestions: what kind of routines and structures do you have in place to help your household run smoothly?

Read This: Momma Zen

Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood by Karen Maezen Miller

As the book jacket promises, Momma Zen offers practical wisdom about how to simply be while navigating the joys and challenges of parenting. Miller’s advice illustrates a way to be mindful as a parent, to live in the present moment whether that moment is full of joy or frustration and to give yourself permission to be human at the same time that you’re trying to be the perfect parent (an impossible task!) with this new beautiful human in your care.

Momma Zen covers a period from Miller’s pregnancy through early elementary school in the life of Miller’s daughter so I’d recommend this books to readers with young children. I’ve read it twice now, once when my son was less than six months old and again when he was two and a half. Miller’s writing is beautiful and many pages in my copy are dog-eared because I want to refer back not only to the ideas she’s expressing, but to the language she’s using to express them. Even though Miller and I have very different parenting philosophies and practices, both times I’ve read Momma Zen I have been given a lens with which to view my child and myself that has been helpful and for which I feel very grateful.

View all my reviews.

7 Ways to Recover From Mama Burn Out

Last month I wrote Running on Empty about feeling mama burn out. It was a hard blog post to write. I felt ashamed. I felt like a failure. I felt worried that motherhood was going to turn out like so many other jobs I’ve had: fun and interesting at first. then drudgery. It took me two days to write the post because I kept editing my feelings. If I just cut the words, maybe I could delete the feelings too. I wrote while my toddler son napped in the next room. I kept walking in to look at him, so peaceful while he was sleeping. I kept willing him to sleep longer, give me more time. On the second day, right after I’d clicked the button to submit my post, he woke up sad. He clung to me and cried. Maybe he’d had a bad dream. Maybe he’d picked up on all of my conflicted feelings while he slept. I was sure that if he were old enough to read what I’d written, he would  feel betrayed. Maybe all of that was true, or maybe I was just finding one more way to not give myself a break.

I needed a vacation from my mama job, which wasn’t realistic. Getting a vacation from my state of mind, however, was absolutely possible. Just admitting to myself (and those who read the blog post) how burned out I was feeling helped. It helped me to understand what was contributing to my exhaustion. It helped me acknowledge my feelings and give myself some space to actually feel them. The comments on the post offered me some great suggestions to renew balance. I tried those and some more. And I’m really starting to feel good again, having fun with my son, being more creative about how to spend our time so our life together doesn’t feel like the movie Groundhog Day. Maybe some of what has worked with me will work for you.

1. For mamas of those still young enough to nap, try No Nap Days — On days when your child is fighting nap, stop fighting for daytime sleep and get the catch up at night. Get up and play, then put them to bed early. The additional hours after they go to bed at night offer you a much longer block of time to yourself or with your partner.
2. Mama Happy Hour — Dinner and drinks, crafting together, a walk, book club, personal renewal group using The Mother’s Guide to Self Renewal, or a group movie date.
3. Movies with your partner–no conversations about the household, nothing stressful. Just popcorn, a coke, and all the action of the new Star Trek.
4. Saturday Morning Mama Sleep In– Daddy and child(ren) get the chance to reconnect and Mama gets to recharge.
5. Spending your breaks differently–try leaving the house instead of staying home, taking a cool bath in the middle of a hot summer day, or sitting quietly for fifteen minutes while you visualize being in the most relaxing and beautiful spot on Earth.
6. Potluck with other families: a great dinner you don’t have to fix all by yourself and a chance to hang out with the whole family so one parent can chat while the other played with the kids, then swap.
7. Read Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood.  It’s beautifully written with easy to read short chapters that offer ways to be a mindful mama and give yourself permission to be human.

I’d love to hear even more suggestions for refilling  our mama cups and recovering from mama burn out.

Campaign for Kids’ Health

Just got a link in my email today to all sorts of helpful tips and info from the Environmental Working Group including a one page printout of Healthy Home Tips for Parents. Check it out.

Mama Retreat

I went to a post-Mother’s Day retreat this past weekend. I wasn’t sure what to expect as it was described as a spa day without the spa. Well, isn’t the spa the whole point? It turned out I wasn’t missing a massage or pedicure. Instead, I got to sit around with a group of mamas who all care do such a great job of taking care of their children,  they needed to figure out how to give a little energy and attention to themselves–just like me.

Deciding to pay for the retreat and committing to spend nine hours away from Cavanaugh (which I hadn’t done since last June when I was at an agent’s conference to pitch my book) was a big commitment and I would end up feeling like it hadn’t been worth it. In not wanting to set myself up for disappointment, I just planned on being disappointed. How counterproductive is that?

My friend Jennifer–who hosts the blog Soul Lab on parenting, spirituality, and so much more–picked me up so we could go to the retreat together. We found a great new neighborhood coffee shop on the way so I got to drink a delicious iced latte to perk me up. Bedtime the night before was horrible–with tears and no sleep until 10:30, then Cavanaugh woke at 6:30. I told him I’d be gone all day Saturday and detailed all the fun things he’d get to do with his dad and grandma, but instead of preparing him and getting him excited, he was sad that I’d be gone and didn’t want to sleep because it would be missing time with me. Ugh! I definitely needed that coffee.

We got to the retreat space and there were pillows, comfy rugs and couches, and  fruit and breakfast breads to much on. They’d set us up to get comfortable. It was hard for me. I felt the tension in my neck, the pains in my body. I wished I was in a different chair. What Natalie Goldberg would call my monkey mind was setting me up to not take the space and time the day afforded me to get the break I’ve been needing.

Luckily, my monkey mind was no match for the group facilitators. The day was a series of time to breathe, share with the group and hear how others were feeling (it’s so helpful to be reminded I’m not the only one), and write on prompts that really helped me evaluate my feelings: what I like and don’t about motherhood, what’s happening when I feel the best and how to break the elements of that situation down to replicate it in other scenarios.They’d served us a healthy and delicious lunch, the rain had poured all morning which had cooled the air and dimmed the light so we all were in a shared cocoon. By 2 p.m., I was more relaxed than I remember being in months, maybe years. And by the end of the day, I missed my family and was ready to go home, excited to try some of the new things I’d realized throughout the retreat.

One of the biggest things is that I didn’t have to go far or spend long to get some space, to honor myself and get rejuvenated. When we have day jobs, we get weekends off, two weeks of vacation a year. Not so for mamas. But we can set aside a block of four hours on a Saturday and feed ourselves well, take time to write and breathe, drink water and relax, fight the urge to go anywhere or do anything. We can check in with ourselves to see what’s causing stress or anxiety, what would make our days easier. We can make room to make the change that will impact how we interact with ourselves and our families. We can stop the train, if just for a little while, and take in the view.

Read This: Cat Up a Tree

Cat Up a Tree by John Hassett

Nana Quimby sees a cat up a tree and wants to help. She tries many sources and they all give her ridiculous excuses and options. My favorite is when she calls City Hall and they tell her they won’t get the cats out of the tree, but that she should call back if she needs a sign that says, “Danger! Watch out for falling cats.” We think this book is hilarious at my house and our son giggles when we ask, “Would a cat have an overdue book?” as the library suggests. This is a playful read for determining the difference between fantasy and reality, practicing counting, or for kids who really like cats. Big laughs and big fun.

View all my reviews.

Eat This: 10 Yummy Breakfast Ideas for Kids

Mornings can be a challenge at our house. Cavanaugh wakes up hungry and I am likely to be sleep-deprived. Many days I can’t even think of what we eat for breakfast to offer my son options. Here’s our top 10 (otherwise known as All I Can Remember).

1. Whole wheat flax pancakes with vanilla yogurt and cut up berries


Pancake Breakfast

2. Whole wheat flax waffles with cream cheese and honey
3. Bagels with strawberry cream cheese
4. English muffins with almond butter or cream cheese
5. Peach Mango Smoothie
6. Berry Banana Smoothie
7. Bowl of yogurt
8. Scrambled cheese egg and hash browns with ketchup
9. Hash browns with cheese and onions
10. Bowl of O’s cereal with milk

I would love to know what you eat for breakfast so we can add to our list.

Goodbye to a Friend

My friend Craig Arnold is gone. He fell off a cliff while visiting volcanoes on a creative exchange in Japan. He was writing, traveling, trying new and strange foods, doing what he did better than most people I’ve ever known: seeking.

“I shall go on using life as long as I am in this world and afterwards. Not to use life–that alone is death,” George Sand.

Craig will be missed.

Ways to Celebrate Mother’s Day

Since none of us really have the energy to celebrate Mother’s Day every day, we need to take advantage of the opportunities that do arise on this dubious holiday. I call it dubious because it is unlikely most of us will get a true holiday. It’s nice they’ve made a day for us anyway.

When I posted recently about some serious mama burn-out, my friend Courtney sent me a link to a Post Mother’s Day Retreat here in Austin. When I emailed to ask for more details, I found out the day will include meditation, writing, crafting, someone feeding me lunch, self-reflection, and general relaxation. I’m in. Who wants to join me?

Get a free copy of  The Mother’s Guide to Self Renewal from May 8 – 10. It’s a workbook for helping to find your way to balance as a mother. I started rereading it recently because I could use a little renewal myself. When I first got this book, my son was only six months old and I couldn’t imagine ever needing time just for me again. Two and a half years in, this book is doing me some good.

Free dinner for Mamas at Mama Fu’s restaurant from May 4 – 10.

Listed to some cool mama music. I made myself a mama CD for my first Mother’s Day with songs that were about moms. I listen to it when I need to be reminded I am doing a big job being a mama. FYI, this is not one to listen to with your kids in the vicinity.

Anyone else know of any ways to celebrate or give yourself a break this Mother’s Day?

Still Searching for Craig Arnold

I’ve been trying to write this blog post all day about how my friend is missing, trying to figure out if I should include the details of who he is and what’s happening. I’ll explain that part: my friend is Craig Arnold and he’s been missing on a small Japanese island for over a week. To see details, you can go to the Find Craig Arnold group on Facebook or donate to the fund that’s helping  pay for an independent search team to keep looking for him now that the Japanese government has stopped. Okay, that’s the factual part.

What I’ve been having a hard time figuring out how to say is what it feels like to know someone I know is missing. Craig and  I met almost ten years ago when he was a visiting professor in Austin. We wrote together, went to parties and poetry readings together. When he moved away, we kept in sporadic touch for awhile and ran into each other when he was in town for the National Poetry Slam in 2006. We haven’t spoken since. He’s not any more missing from my daily life than he’s been all this time.

Still I start every day wondering if he’s been found, if his being found will be good news. I think about his son. And I only feel mostly helpless–though the FB group has given regular updates about what’s going on and what I can do to help. It’s so unlike finding out after the fact that something shocking has happened and I could have helped but I missed it. Or just having there be nothing anyone could have done to begin with. Watching all the wall posts and messages with people noting that they’ve called their senators or contacted some connection they have in government or the press or Japan, or that they’re praying is evidence that we want to help. We not only want Craig to be okay, but we want to assure ourselves that we’ve done all we can.

While I’ve been so thankful that there are concrete things I could do who knows if all the effort will yield any results? Maybe at the end of all this he will still be missing and many people will have expended much energy while the outcome is exactly the same. But all of that energy flowing to Craig and everyone who loves or cares about him is meaningful anyway. I hope Craig and those closest to him are feeling that energy and being helped by it.

Maybe we’re each being a little more present in our lives. I’ve started submitting poems for publication again. I’d been in the groove for awhile but had an article deadline in January and just never got it together to start sending the poems again. For my poet friend, someone who knew me when I was in graduate school getting a creative writing degree, I am remembering to honor the writer in me. It’s one of the things I’ve always most respected about Craig. He is dedicated to his work. He is in Japan working on poems about volcanoes.

I haven’t been able to write poems since I got pregnant. My brain stopped working in image and metaphor. Trying to fit any kind of writing or submitting in to the space of Cavanaugh’s unpredictable and ever-shortening naps is a challenge. By the time he goes to sleep at night, I don’t have the energy or the brainpower to do the work of writing. But when I don’t do it, I start to get jangly. I am not attending to the most essential part of myself. Craig’s disappearance is reminding me to do it now. I’ve gotten Cavanaugh on a waiting list for preschool because I so desperately want longer blocks of time to be able to sit with my own brain, to hear my voices. And as grateful as I will be to hear my own voice again, I’d sure like to hear Craig’s as well.

Running on Empty

I want a vacation, even a long weekend, all by myself with no one else to clothe, no one to come to the bathroom with me or to ask to nurse in the middle of the flower store. Maybe it’s the developmentally appropriate but exhausting conflicts that come with having a 2 1/2 year old. Maybe it’s that the last three years have been hard ones full of lay-offs and other money concerns, health challenges and innumerable other setbacks that add up over time. I’m sure there’s not one cause.