Hear This

Mike was singing “Rapper’s Delight” to our son in the hospital, but until Cavanaugh was a month old, I was too shy to sing to him–even when no one else was around. I have a complex about my voice.

When I was in sixth grade, a group of used to run around school at recess singing soda commercial jingles. “I’m a Pepper. You’re a Pepper. Wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper too?” .

And though my pop-culture-guru/geek husband claims not to remember the fabulousness of Shasta’s early eighties campaigns, we’d belt, “I wanna pop pop pop. I wanna Shasta.”

At some point, one of my friends asked me to stop, because she said I was throwing her off key. The term she used to describe my vocal stylings was tone deaf. Maybe this is an indication of my inexpertise, but are key and tone the same? Shouldn’t it be key deaf?

Tonight, as he was going to sleep, I sang Cavanaugh “Snuggle Puppy” by Sandra Boynton, a book we loved that become even more of a favorite when I heard one of my great all-time teenage actor crushes singing it. (Yep, Eric Stoltz. The others are Alan Alda and Tom Hanks.)  I was lying in the bed nursing my son, singing “Snuggle Puppy,” when I realized I’m not afraid to sing anymore.

I’ve felt so self-conscious of my voice for pretty much all of my life that I don’t sing in the shower (it echoes) and only occasionally let myself go enough that I sing along to music blasting in my car — okay blasting pre-baby; now it’s all at an unreasonably low volume due to the extra bass amp for my stereo system and Cavanaugh’s close proximity to the speakers.

While those of you close to me, those apt to ride in my car for instance, are unlikely to hear me sing anything but a kid’s song, I have healed some singing fear, a phobia I can’t even find the name for (Ideas anyone?). Now, I can at least sing loud enough to hear myself,  and  so whoever happens to be around when Cavanaugh’s in need of a tune can get an earful of my possibly key-deaf renderings of Mah Na Mah Na and the like. Hopefully, Cavanaugh will grow up knowing he should sing when he feels like it and share his voice with anyone in earshot.